Beyond Parenting

Beyond Beautiful: Disability, Liberation, Love

Season 2, Episode 2 - Beyond Parenthood

🎧 Listen to the Episode

🧭 Episode Summary

This episode explores the lived experience of disabled parenting through an honest and heartfelt conversation with Charlianne Alexander. In this episode, Charlianne shares the challenges she has navigated, the joy she has found in motherhood, and what she hopes her children carry with them as they grow. Together, we reflect on how disability and parenthood intersect, challenge harmful assumptions, and affirm disabled parents as capable, loving, and deeply present.

⚠️ Content Notes

This episode includes discussion of disability, parenting challenges, systemic barriers, and family dynamics. Listener discretion is advised.

🎙 Guest

Charlianne is a mother of two beautiful children ages 15 and 13. Diagnosed with cerebral palsy at the age of three, Charlianne obtained her BA in psychology at SUNY College at old Westbury. Her greatest accomplishment in life thus far was having her children with her husband.

💬 Key Themes

• Disabled parenthood and lived experience

• Challenging stereotypes about disability and parenting

• Navigating systemic and social barriers

• Love, resilience, and adaptability in family life

• Legacy, values, and what disabled parents hope to pass on to their children

• Affirming disabled parents as capable, present, and worthy

📜 Full Transcript

Mandi: Welcome to Beyond Beautiful: Disability, Liberation, Love.

I'm Mandi, your Queer Christian Disabled host.

I'm really excited about today's episode called Beyond Parenthood. I got to reconnect with a friend from high school named Charlianne.

She is a mother of two beautiful children, ages 15 and 13.

Charlianne was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, or CP at the age of 3,

and she obtained her BA in Psychology at SUNY College at Old Westbury.

She told me that her greatest accomplishment in life thus far was having her children with her husband.

And on today's episode, she shares her journey and her experience as a disabled mom.

I do want to give listeners a content warning here that some of the conversation is for mature listeners and may be triggering for some people.

So please take care of yourselves. If you need to pause and come back or you find yourself experiencing any type of emotional distress, don't be afraid to seek out help and support.

Additionally, there may be some language in here that is preferred by Charlianne when discussing her disability or the topic of disability that may or may not align with how you identify as a disabled person or your preferred language. I want you to all remember that we are allowing folks on this season to share from their own experiences and using the language that best suits them.

So with all of this in mind, let's dig into today's interview.

Mandi: Hey, Charlieanne, welcome. I'm so excited to have you on the show today. How are you?

Charlianne: I'm great.

Mandi: How are you?

Charlianne: I'm really good.

Mandi: I'm really excited to talk today about parenting and all the things that come with being a parent with a disability.

So thanks so much for being willing to share with us

Charlianne: Anytime.

So for listeners who are not familiar with who you are,

please feel free to introduce yourself in whatever makes you feel most comfortable.

Charlianne: Hi, My name is Charlieanne Alexander.

I'm 39 years old. I have cerebral palsy and a mother of two. My children are both girls and they are 15 and two days away from 14.

Charlianne: So two teens pretty close together.

Charlianne: Yes.

Mandi: Awesome. And are you already going through some of the typical teen girl things with them?

Charlianne: 100% all the time. So much fun.

Mandi: Yes, I can imagine. I grew up with three sisters, so a house full of girls and it was a lot for sure.

Charlianne: It's very interesting for me, specifically because I was not raised with girls. I only have a brother.

So seeing the interaction between two girls, I don't always understand the sibling rivalry because my brother and I had a very different dynamic.

Mandi: Wow, that's very interesting.

You're obviously navigating all of the typical parenting highs and lows. When you think about the word parenthood, what comes up for you?

Charlieanne: First, as a disabled mother, probably how the world would perceive how I parent, because even though I think of myself as a typical parent, most of the time,

a lot of the time I think about how I'm perceived when I'm out with my children.

For the most part, everybody thinks I'm my children's older sister.

So that makes it fun.

Mandi: Yeah. And I feel like even you saying that, many listeners right now might be like, oh, my gosh, that's such a compliment. But I think it's a very different kind of experience when you know that the reason is not necessarily,

oh, I look so young, but more, oh, this person has a disability. They couldn't possibly be a parent.

Charlianne: Or have the intelligence to be a parent.

Mandi: Yeah, definitely. This idea of having any kind of physical disability oftentimes comes along with the perception that there are other types of disabilities happening as well as.

Charlianne: I particularly like the response that my children give, though.

They say, thank you, I appreciate that. But just so you know, this is my mother.

And then they look at my child like, oh, my God, I did something wrong.

Mandi: I love that you have raised them with that confidence to be able to respond that way.

You did share that you have cerebral palsy, so I'm hoping that you're willing to share a little bit about what that means for you,

since we know that disabilities can impact people in different ways.

Charlianne: Yeah. So my type of cerebral palsy is called spastic diplegia,

which means that it primarily affects the bottom half of my body.

So from the waist, mostly from the waist down on both sides, because some people have it where it's the waist down, but only one side.

Mine is the waist down, but both sides,

hence the diplegia.

Mandi: Thanks so much for sharing that. So for listeners who are not familiar with cerebral palsy or who don't know you when you say it affects both sides, are you able to walk?

Do you use any kind of mobility devices?

Charlianne: I am able to walk on my own primarily, but when I am in public,

I use either a walker, crutches, or sometimes when I'm out with my children and we want to go walking somewhere, I use my power wheelchair.

Mandi: I love that you're sharing this because I think people sometimes automatically think when there is a particular type of diagnosis, it can look the same.

And I know people who can walk and also use a wheelchair and kind of change depending on what the circumstances are. And I think that can be really difficult for a lot of people to understand that even having a single diagnosis,

it can still impact you differently based on different situations.

Charlianne: I was going to say the same. I was going to say more environmental.

It depends on your environment.

Like, if I'm going to my family's house,

I'm not necessarily going to bring anything, but if I'm going to a mall,

I'm going to bring my chair, my manual chair or my power chair.

Mandi: Yeah, I love that.

So just bringing it back to parenting. Now that we have a little bit more of an understanding of how CP affects you personally, what was your journey to becoming a parent like for you?

Charlianne: Well, specifically for me, I didn't think that it would happen as quickly as it did.

That's A and B.

I was very happy, but also very like,

okay, how is this going to look for me?

Because yes, I can hold my baby and yes, I can feed my baby, but I can't carry her from A to B.

So how am I going to carry her from A to B if I need that help?

And the way that my husband and I dealt with it,

by the way, I don't know if everybody knows, but I'm also married.

Mandi: I love that. Yes. Pretty traditional family. I mean, the whole, you know, got married, had kids. It sounds just like everyone else, right?

Charlianne: Yes.

So what my husband and I decided to do was I got someone to come in during the day when he wasn't home,

so that when they were newborn,

I had the help I needed.

I specifically had to do that because when I was, when I was in the hospital,

one of my doctors asked me if I wanted a social worker to come into the house and help me. And the first thing that she did was tell me that if I didn't get somebody in with me 24 hours a day, unless my husband was home, she was going to call child protective services.

Mandi: Wow.

Charlianne: Keep in mind that my.

Mandi: Yeah, go ahead.

Charlianne: Keep in mind my child was three days old when she said this to me.

Mandi: Yeah. And I mean,

it's really interesting because I think that it's very common for parents, especially first time parents, to have like that extra support, either from family or spouses, even friends and those who are able to afford nannies.

But it's interesting how you were forced into that.

And then having a baby, even though it can be a very beautiful, joyful time,

it also is just its own traumatic experience.

So to have these kinds of things happening postpartum when that's a very kind of fragile time for females,

I think that that's really says a lot about the medical system and kind of the judgments that come when you have a disability and are having children.

Charlianne: The judgment comes almost immediately once you have a child. For me,

the judgment came almost immediately,

even from some hospital staff.

And it was not a joyous experience the first time around.

Meaning I enjoyed having my daughter always,

but having to navigate being someone with special needs and having to take care of a quote, unquote typical child was not easy.

Mandi: Yeah, I mean, as you know, I share in that experience as a disabled mom myself, and especially with my first child, there were definitely a lot of spoken and unspoken messages that I received, especially from medical staff, about whether or not I should be having children and whether or not I was capable of giving consent.

So this time that really should be joyous and is often already riddled with anxiety for non disabled women, I think becomes even more challenging when you have a disability, especially a disability that is visible or physical.

Charlianne: Yes, I agree.

Mandi: So what does parenting look like in your household in ways that might challenge traditional or ableist ideas of parenting?

Charlianne: For me, it's mostly that I teach my children how to cook,

but they do most of it like when my husband's not home,

I ask my children what they want for dinner and I say, okay, we can go to the store and get that, and here's how you cook it. Mom can't do it over a flame, but here's how you can do it safely, but mom can't do it safely. So here you go.

Mandi: I love that. And I think that teaches a lot of independence too. And we'll really have skills that, you know, can last them well into adulthood. At what age do you, were you able to kind of start to give them that type of independence where you felt that you could be home alone and they were able to work with you based on your needs and their needs.

Charlianne: My oldest child, when I felt she was old enough to understand that my oldest child was 10.

Mandi Yes, I feel similar. So, I mean, I have two boys, but my oldest is 11.

And both of them, I find, are very helpful, wanting to help, wanting to have some of that independence.

And so I think it's really a good thing. But one of the maybe objections that I have heard is this idea that maybe they are growing up too fast or feel pressured to take care of us as parents.

How might you kind of combat that idea?

Charlianne: Well, every time I bring that up to them, because on occasion I do, I do bring that up to them because they are only 15 and 14 and they're like mom,

you know, you're the only mom we know. This is the life that we know and we don't feel that we're missing out on things.

I still make sure that they,

you know, my daughter, as we speak, is out at a hangout session, as she would call it because she's 15 and too old for the word play date.

she's at a hangout session with friends and hanging out for the night.

But like, there's nothing that I wouldn't do to make sure that my kids have the typical experiences. But I also like that they don't have as many typical experiences because I think that makes them more open to different people and people that have different abilities.

Mandi: I couldn't agree more.

I mean, my children in school are often praised by their teachers for being the most inclusive, for being the ones to want to step up and help other children first.

You know, they've even received little certificates for being the helper or being the most inclusive student. So I definitely agree with you.

What have your children taught you about access,

care and interdependence?

Just this idea that being independent doesn't necessarily have to mean doing things on your own, but that we really, at least as disabled people, understand the importance of community and sharing responsibilities.

Charlianne: Oh, well, my children are learning that now because especially with cooking and laundry, I can't necessarily do that on my own laundry because the laundry machine is downstairs.

So I can't carry the laundry downstairs and then do it and then bring it back up. So my husband and I have delegated chores to the best of their ability.

So my older daughter does laundry and my younger daughter does taking out the garbage.

Mandi: Yeah, I love that. And I think that that doesn't sound very different from non disabled families. I mean, how many families expect their children to complete chores? And I think you talked earlier about perception and how people perceive you.

And I think it's really interesting that as disabled parents, we're often scrutinized differently than non disabled parents, so what other parents might call a chore we need for the children to do, but for some reason it's like, oh, you're putting that on your kids?

And it's like, no, I'm doing the same thing a non disabled parent would do. So I think that's really interesting.

Charlianne: Based on our perceived abilities or disabilities,

we are held to a higher standard on purpose.

And I, I'm working with my children to make them understand that your mom is the same as everybody else.

Even if people tell you that that's not true.

Mandi: I love that. And that actually leads me to my next question, which is, in what ways do you intentionally model disability pride or self advocacy for your children?

Charlianne: Well, one of them was when I was working.

I was working at a school for people with physical disabilities.

So I did. On bring your child to work day, I brought them to work and they got to see what I did on a daily basis. And they got to see all different kinds of children with different kinds of abilities, from very, very independent to very, very dependent based on their needs.

Mandi: Yeah, I appreciate that. I do want to go a little more into something you kind of mentioned earlier, which was around your advocacy to be a parent. So would you mind sharing a little bit more about maybe a moment or a situation when you've had to advocate not just for yourself, but for your right to be seen as a capable parent?

Charlianne: Well, I think my biggest point of advocacy was when the kids were younger,

when they were babies, because that was my most challenging, because that was when I needed the most assistance and that it was visible to most people that I needed the most assistance.

And that's what I think shaped me as a parent, is that I overcompensate sometimes.

Not necessarily in the best ways, but I overcompensate sometimes and make sure that people know, hey, I'm the parent, you're not the parent.

Because people try to tell me what I need to do for my children.

And I am more than capable, as are you, to make those decisions for my children.

And it's very hard for me to just say to someone,

hey, if I need your input, I'll let you know.

Mandi: Yeah, I totally get that. And I think that additional level of advocacy, especially during times when, you know, you're already feeling more vulnerable, really adds burden to parents with disabilities that many non disabled parents don't really experience in the same way.

Charlianne: Yeah.

Mandi: So continuing kind of in that vein of questions, what systemic barriers have you encountered in parenting spaces?

Like what barriers have you encountered maybe throughout their schooling or, or healthcare or even in community settings?

Charlianne: When my youngest was in grade school, we had a situation where she decided by herself that she was going to trick me and go to school in the clothes that she was in the day before.

And I didn't notice until she got on the bus.

And the first thing she did was go to her teacher and say, hey, I got out of the house without my mom noticing that I was wearing the same clothing.

And later that afternoon, I got a call from the school telling me, hey, Sophia. Let us know that she came to school in the same clothing.

Do you make sure that your child bathes every day? And I was like, of course I do.

Mandi: Scrutiny, right, that, like extra scrutiny that I feel like a non disabled parent probably would not have received that kind of questioning.

Charlianne: No.

And I think the best part of this whole conversation was your child is omitting an odor and we don't know where it's coming from. And I said, she's in the first grade.

And you tell me that she is big enough to do certain things on her own, certain personal hygiene things and some certain personal hygiene things I have to do for her because she doesn't, isn't ready for them yet. But because she's in the first grade,

you feel that you should be able to do them. So, like, you know, what happens at school is not what happens at home, you know?

Mandi: Yes.

Yeah. I had a similar kind of situation with my younger son.

And first off, I mean, first grade is still very young.

And you know, I think that it says a lot about expectations on parents and expectations on children.

I just, I went through a similar experience where my younger son needed assistance for a bit longer than, you know, some of the other kids. And yeah, there really was this, you know he should be fully toilet trained and wiping and cleaning. And I'm like, you don't understand. They don't know how to clean themselves, like very well.

Charlianne: So yeah, that was basically my experience. I said, listen, you're telling me that she's old enough to go, to go into the restroom and take care of herself.

And I'm telling you that that's not what happens at home.

Mandi: Yeah, well, what do these systemic barriers, what kind of impact do they have on a parent's mental and emotional well being, especially for disabled parents?

Charlianne: For me specifically, it was, am I doing the right thing?

Am I doing enough for them?

And then I had to realize that my child is thriving.

Just because she's not necessarily thriving at school doesn't mean that she's not thriving at home. And you know what? It might take her longer to do A, B and C,

but that doesn't make her any less of a kid and that doesn't make me any less of a parent.

And none of these questions, at least I felt,

would be asked of a typical parent.

Mandi: Did you feel that there was a difference in those kinds of barriers?

Whether they were attitude barriers or systemic barriers? Did you feel that there was a difference from you having your first child and your second child?

Charlianne: It depended on the situation because my first child,

she, she developed very early and was. She was speaking to me in full sentences at 10 months old and telling me what to do by the age of one.

So whereas my second child, it took her until about two and a half to speak to me because her older sister, anytime she would make a noise, her older sister would say to me,

she wants a cookie.

Mandi: So, yes, that's so common, though, but go ahead, because I'm sure this had different implications for you as a disabled parent.

Charlianne: Well, mostly because, like, why isn't she talking to you?

What are you doing to make sure that she's getting abcd?

And then when my. When I noticed that my younger child was a little bit different and when I noticed that she was a little bit different and that she might have some learning differences,

I went to the preschool and I said, you know, can we get her evaluated for,

you know, maybe ADHD or autism spectrum? They were like, you know, we don't really usually take a recommendation from a parent. We wait until a teacher says something.

And what I literally said to them was,

what's the difference between a teacher telling you that she's different or me? I live with her 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The teacher is with her for five hours.

Mandi: Yeah, that's very interesting.

I think a lot of times there's this idea that, you know, the teacher's the professional, Right. And it's like, okay, to your point, I live with this child. Like, I know what I'm looking at, but I experienced, again, something kind of similar where my older son is.

Was very verbal at a young age and is even today still very immature for his age.

And my little guy definitely took a little bit longer to develop, and they had that relationship, too, where people found it difficult to understand My younger son when he was three. Two. Three years old. And my older son would just constantly translate and, oh, he wants this.

And I think it's interesting. It's when the kids are kind of in. In between,

like, baby and toddler stage, where they still understand baby speak. And he really wanted to be helpful. So there were definitely times I would have to say to my older son, no, let him speak for himself.

You know, he needs to learn to communicate for himself. But I think that's very common.

So what values do you hope your children carry with them into the world?

Charlianne: My biggest hope for them is that they see people for who they are and not for what they look like or not their appearance physically.

And they take the person on their value of virtue and not, you know, I don't want them judging a book by its cover.

I want them to get to know the person inside.

Mandi: I think that's such an important message, and I love how that message applies to anyone, like, not even just people with disabilities. But that's such a great lesson to have across the board, just to be good people.

So I really think that's so powerful.

As we're wrapping up,what would you say to disabled people who are considering parenthood but feel fear because of societal messages?

Charlianne: I would say first and foremost,

if you want to become a parent, don't let anyone tell you that you can't or you shouldn't or that, you know they have to. That you really have to think about it.

But on the flip side, also understand that we do have differences and you have to figure out what you need as the disabled person for your disability, what your needs are going to be as far as taking care of the child and what support you're going to need.

And if the people around you societally are not going to help you, then don't bring those people into your environment.

Mandi: Those are definitely powerful words, and I love that. The idea of go for your dreams, do all of the things because you can, and it's okay to acknowledge that you're going to do things differently or you're going to need different kinds of supports and, you know, kind of have that dependence on people to help you, but you have the choice of who you're depending on. Like, I really love that idea. And I think.

I don't think it's unique to people with disabilities, but I think it is highlighted in the disability experience. That part of our independence or interdependence is being able to choose who the people are that are in our lives. And in a couple of weeks, we will actually be talking about setting healthy boundaries as people with disabilities and what that looks like and the challenges. But I just really appreciate those powerful words of being able to choose who's in your life and surround yourself with people are going to empower you and support you.

Charlianne: The biggest part of that for me is that that's our choice, you know? Yes. Just the same way that it's our choice to have kids,

it's our choice who we surround ourselves with,

no matter what everybody else says. They could put in their two cents, but it doesn't mean that we have to take that.

Mandi: I agree.

So my last question to kind of close this out is a big question, especially with a lot of the challenges that we are facing in our current climate today. As disabled people and disabled parents.

So what support do disabled parents need more of personally, communally, or even politically?

Charlianne: Well, for me, I think, and I think disabled people as a whole, I think we need more disabled parents visual, you know, more visualization of disabled parents.

Because I'm sure that there are more disabled parents than we see in the world, politically, socially, or any of that.

Like, I'm sure that there are plenty of disabled parents that we have no idea about.

But that's the point is that needs to be more accessible and more normalized than it is. Because if it was more normalized, you and I, specifically you and I, based on our other conversations, would not have necessarily had the experience that we had when we were having kids if it was already more normalized.

Mandi: Yeah, absolutely. And again, another thing that you're pointing out that I think is applicable across the board when we talk about representation of people with disabilities. Right? We need to see more disabled parents.

And done in the right way. Right? Not told as an inspiration porn story and not told as a sad,

tragic story, but just your everyday parent who's living their life and adapting in the world that wasn't necessarily designed for them, but that they are making work for them. Because that is what we do, right?

We're in a world that wasn't necessarily designed for us or prepared for the success that we have in life. And we're adapting and many of us are thriving. It's not all about the struggles. Some of us are just living like everyone else.

So I agree with you. I think representation, whether it's disabled parenting or in films and magazines like all of that, I think is so important.

Charlianne: Yes, I would agree.

Mandi: Well, thank you so much for this incredible conversation and for being so transparent and sharing your personal experiences so vulnerably. I know the listeners are really going to get a lot out of your story.

Charlianne: Well, thank you for having me and it was a pleasure speaking with you.

Mandi: Thank you for joining in on this conversation.

If today's episode resonated with you, please consider leaving a review and share with a friend, family member or colleague.

Be sure to come back on Sunday at 5pm Eastern to hear my interview with a disabled advocate and social work student as we discuss the importance of setting boundaries and the unique challenges disabled people face in doing so.

Lastly, be sure to join the Beyond Beautiful Collective on Facebook to get early details on when I'll be opening guest screening calls for March episodes.

I'll link to the group in the show notes.

And remember, Disability, Liberation, Love are always Beyond Beautiful.

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